Sunday, January 25, 2009

Twilight Pt. 4: The Snark Interview

So, to compliment my interview with Lex, I thought it would be fun if I had a conversation with my friend Ali. Ali has the snarkiest eyebrows known to man and hasn't read Twilight yet. All she knows about the series is the fangirl screams that haunt her dreams, and all the Twilight related flair she sees on Facebook. As such, the conversation turns to Harry Potter on a regular basis.

This conversation took place in AOL instant messenger, so there is some overlap as we both type at the same times. I haven't edited anything but format, but I have added some Twilight flair picture.

Anyway, I am in italics, and Ali is bold.





Are you going to ask me about Twilight? My readers are already bored. Because I know what you're talking about, but they have no idea what's going on.

wait, what? I thought you were asking me?

Oh. Sorry. I thought you were asking me, based on your pop-culture-flair-only references



I didn't know I was supposed to have questions prepared

Let's just get our snark on then

if that's what you want, I'll need some time

Do you find me dazzling?

always, but if you tear my headboard to shreds you still have to pay for it

That was his MOM's headboard


which is twisted

quite literally at some point, I would imagine

*snort* Are you Team Edward, or Team Jacob?

I'm inclined to say Jacob, just because I hate Edward on principle. should I have put more thought into that?

Which principle is that?

the principle that every teenage girl in the world is in love with Edward. that didn't work for me in HS and apparently doesn't now, either

ha ha ha ha ha. Jacob's a werewolf

I know there are some werewolves I'm rather fond of. more werewolves than vampires, come to think of it

LOL. Besides Remus Lupin, who are your other werewolf loves?

um... I'm going to try to salvage this one and say that's still more werewolf loves than vampires

Fair enough

besides, Remus is man-wolf enough for anyone ;-)

True. Which book is your favorite?

um...which one has the chess piece on the cover? I like chess...

That would be... wait... let me go look... Breaking Dawn. as a Non-Twilighter, what do you find most annoying about Twilight?

that's also the last one, right? because that would be two for the price of on

That *is* the last one!

the fact that it has taken over the book category of flair on facebook

What is so annoying about Twilight flair?

the bad grammar? and the fact that I can hear the squee-ing from here

*snort* What is your favorite piece of Twilight flair?

I rather like the one that casts aspersions as to the parentage of Jacob Black

Because he's a werewolf with the last name of Black, he must be the love
child of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black?

that's the one

that's also one of my favs

hey, they already transplanted Cedric. -- I mean, Edward -- I mean, Pattenson

Yeah, I really like the one that says "Edward was a Hufflepuff"

but that's okay. Harry's got that saving people thing going on, it makes sense that others in his universe would have similar leanings

LOL Based on your knowledge of Edward, would you put him in Hufflepuff?

well, he seems kind of sparkly with fluff between his ears and terribly idealistic views of romance, so why not? I certainly don't see him anywhere else...except maybe trading fashion tips with Pavarti and Lav-Lav


oh, come on, like both of them don't wish they could dazzle

In his defense, he holds several degrees, which I can't tell is a matter or smarts, or the fact he doesn't age and doesn't sleep, so why not keep going back to high school and college and studying all night long. And what do you think dazzling is?

I would like to say something flip involving body splash with glitter in, but I would imagine it's infinitely more likely that it's some special way of putting someone in a highly suggestive state

Yeah, it's even lamer than that

seriously? does he at least get to have real fangs?

Basically, Edward is so pretty that girls will do whatever he wants, as if he was using some sort of Jedi mind trick. And, it's totally a minor part of the book.

well, there's something

He does have real fangs AND! When he goes into the sunlight, he's really sparkly

because vampires do so well in sunlight. but, you know, sparkly/flaming, potato/potahto

Well, in this world, sunlight doesn't hurt him. He's just really sparkly, so he can't let others see him when it's sunny. Which is why they live in the Pacific Northwest, where it's cloudy a lot

perfectly logical

Yes. Has Twilight changed your feelings about Volvos at all?

I can't remember the last time I saw a volvo. oh! though, I did have a question about that: is it like a shiny, metallic, reflective silver paintjob on said volvo? and, if so, have we also thrown out the "no reflections" baby with the vampiric bathwater?

LOL. I don't know about reflections. It's that Edward drives a Volvo that he keeps nice and clean. He drives it very fast. Because of his awesome vampire ninja skills

better to have a clean car if you're going to do that. less likely that something will fly up and hit you in the head if you have to stop suddenly. vampire ninja?


does that mean we get vampire pirates, too?

just that he has awesome reflexes

it's only fair. oh

like a super-charged ninja. vampire pirates are good...How do you pronounce Renesme and what is the meaning behind it?

you could write a series about them for t(w)een girls and never have to work (or, rather, I) pronounce every letter in that name -- ren-ez-me -- and flair leads me to believe that it has something to do with the loch ness monster, though no one seems very happy about this

That's amazing!


Well, you pronounced it correctly. The Loch Ness monster connection is that it gets shortened to Nessie and Bella gets pissy

I do my best. I blame Terry Pratchett, though. he has a character named Esme, and so I just appended the "ren"

The best is that it's a combination of her mom's name (Renee) and Edward's (Esme)

very original and thought provoking

Albus Severus doesn't look so bad now, does it?

I never had any problems with Albus Severus. it was Lily and James that I found singularly uninspired

Uninspired yes, but less cheesy


So, is Edward the most perfect boyfriend ever? Or is sneaking into your bedroom to watch you sleep and forbidding you to see your best friend kinda creepy?

I'm going to have to go with B on that

yeah. I wish all the little fangirls would, too

aren't they still warning them about people like that?

I would assume, but they all do love Edward and think he's just the bestest! Even though, after watching the movie, I kinda love him too

it's his Cedric-ness bleeding through
I didn't when I read the books, but Edward invoked feelings in my that Cedric never did

interesting. then again, Cedric was not at his best

I was rather surprised

he spent most of that film/book running for his life. or with his head on fire. or with Voldie's foot on his face. hard to make a good impression that way

*snort* And dazzling Cho so that she didn't fall for Harry. Not that I'm a huge Cho fan, but Harry was sad. And I felt bad for Harry

Harry was sad. though Cho was a bit of a waste of energy for him

Yeah, but as Rowling said, he had to grow up romantically before he was worthy of Ginny. Ginny Weasley would totally kick Edward's ass

is Bella more together than Cho? I mean, did (C)ed-ward learn anything from that experienc

I'd choose Cho over Bella any day

Ginny Weasley would totally kick anyone's ass. Bat-bogies away!

Bella is the biggest Mary Sue you've ever read


And unbelievably spineless. Cho was annoying, but in an understandable way.
clearly. since

she allowed some creepy, sparkly guy to watch her sleep and dictate her social life

yes. So, what's Jasper's thing?

I can't even figure out who Jasper is. he apparently isn't important enough to have a team and the fangirls seem to find him particularly noxious. he does seem to enjoy baiting the others, though

He's Edwards vampire-brother

(there's not much Jasper flair)

He can control emotions. Emmett's more the baiter. He likes to make dirty jokes that piss off Bella

is he really his brother who is also a vampire? or is he edwards brother in that they were turned by the same vampire and therefore are sort of from the same litter?

(Emmett is also his vampire brother)

I like Emmett already

Um, I don't even think they were turned by the same vampire, although many of the Cullens were all turned by the Dr. Cullen. But they live together, posing as a young couple with their foster children

who was a doctor of.....? ah ha

He's a medical doctor, and had a habit of turning people he couldn't save with medicine

yet another reason to be afriad of the system, your new family may be a cadre of undead, just waiting for you to join them

Not that they're really foster children, it was just the only excuse as to why their kids would be so old

Hmmmm... I'm trying to think if there is anything else

I'm afraid I won't be much help to you, there

Any other flair confusing you?

I tend not to read it if I can possibly help it

ok. Then are we done?

i believe so. but it's your interview


And, to conclude, I would like to you let y'all know that Ali will be reading Twilight starting at the end of the month.


Anonymous said...

Haha -- awesome! I'll admit I initially became intrigued by Twilight and Edward Cullen because of all the freaking flair on Facebook... I was like, Who is this guy?! I Wikipedia'ed him :) I love the twenty-first century!

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